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Archive for the ‘Hot Tips’ Category

Q:
Why is it so difficult to find a man for regular sex but no relationship? In my experience, men either want a committed relationship or they want sex sporadically when it’s convenient for them. I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want random sex on their schedule. I want someone to hang out with once a week or so, and the rest of the time we can both do whatever we want and not have to answer to each other.

A:
First of all, move to L.A. There are thousands of us here!

Or play it needy and clingy, and they’ll back down to once a week. I promise. (I’m kidding, but not really.)

The lines “I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want random sex on their schedule. I want someone to hang out with once a week or so” are interesting. What you’re saying is, you don’t want sex on their schedule, you want it on yours. Ha! You can’t have it both ways. If you’re going to make this work, it has to accommodate both of your schedules. The irony is that when men want that very thing, they get crucified for saying so. As for finding the right guy, it’s a trial-and-error process. Or you can look into finding a submissive somewhere who will cower at your every command.

Q:
How do I let my current boyfriend know that I like anal sex without freaking him out, or making him think I’m a weirdo?

A:
Eeewww! What the fuck is the matter with you?… Just kidding!

Although I don’t care for the idea myself, I don’t think it’s weird at all. But if you think he may have an adverse reaction, don’t approach the subject during sex. That could open up a can of worms that can’t be closed, and at a very awkward time. Bring it up in a conversation and suggest the idea as experimentation and something new and fun for the two of you. There’s no need to bask in stories of how much you’ve enjoyed it in the past with other lovers. That could be off-putting to any man. The issue here isn’t the subject of anal. You realize that, don’t you? The issue is, you’re worried that who you are and what you want will be looked upon as weird or freakish. These types of things should be totally safe to talk about and are acceptable subjects between intimate lovers. You may want to think about that.

Q:
Why do girls give out their phone number but not respond when you call? How many times do we call before we’re considered a stalker?

A:
Well, sometimes it may be easier for women to give out a number than deal with chatting. It can be a quick way to say, “Okay, we’re done now. Move along.” Many women give out made-up numbers or the number of an enemy or ex-boyfriend. (That’s actually a good one!)

As for how many attempts at a contact? It depends. You really have to go on instinct. My general rule would be twice. Two calls, two texts, or a call and a text. After that, you more than likely have your answer. The real key is not to become emotionally invested in an answer. Don’t let your self-esteem hang on whether or not you hear back.

An exception to the two-times rule: Every now and then, you may meet a woman who wants to be chased. Make it fun and light and playful. Send random texts that really have nothing to do with anything, funny pictures, etc. This lets her know you’re thinking about her without pressuring her for a reply.

Q:
Do you think plastic surgery enhances sexual experiences? I think it’s a sexual facade and that natural is best.

A:
This is an odd question, but I’ll answer it anyway. I would say, absolutely it can enhance the experience. The sexier a woman feels, the sexier and more comfortable she’ll be in the bedroom. It’s all surface stuff, I know, but at the end of the day it’s no different from picking out special lingerie, setting a mood with candles and music, or even simply taking a shower before playtime. The idea is to feel free and uninhibited. If a woman has a particular feature that bothers her, she’s more likely to be distracted and/or focused on that rather than the matter at hand. We all do things to make ourselves feel better, healthier, and more attractive, like going to the gym, getting our teeth cleaned, dieting, and so forth. Is getting one’s hair done less of a facade? If science has provided another outlet on the path to self-esteem, I say, why not? Don’t knock sexual facades; they can be pretty fucking erotic at times.

Q:
When should a woman tell a guy what she’s looking for in a man? It seems like many guys have no interest in any kind of commitment these days, so I would think the best time would be immediately. (I wonder if I answered my own question.) I have no clue about how to date, but I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

A:
I don’t know if “immediately” is the most advisable move. That could scare off just about anybody. Making such a claim when you hardly know someone can come across as needy and suffocating. Unless of course the discussion is about what you both eventually want in life: kids, commitment, marriage, etc. Personally, I think that dating should be simple and easy and fun, especially at first. There’s no need to add stress and pressure at the onset. Who knows if you even like the guy?

I’d suggest that if the subject of your future comes up, tell your date what you might like to see happen for yourself—in a general way, of course. The problem is that most guys tend to agree with anything before they’ve slept with you. “Marriage? Sure! Kids? Yes!” Just take your time and see where the relationship takes you, but most of all, have fun. Nobody likes to feel as if he’s auditioning for your life partner. Trust me, if “the one” shows up, you’ll know it. No need to aim your laser beams at a man simply because the two of you are having dinner.

Q:
What’s the best way to approach something you and your partner are both interested in but apprehensive about, such as hiring a hooker or going to an S&M club?

A:
Well, I would never suggest you do anything illegal … in print. Let’s categorize these things as “alternative-lifestyle interests” and take it from there, shall we?

Clubs are easy. Just go, even if it’s for ten minutes to get a vibe. If you end up staying for 15 minutes, chances are you’re not as apprehensive about it as you may have thought. You can do some research on the web and ask around in online communities beforehand. The real issue is your own moral compass. If you have no problem with the issues that could come up for some people, then I say get on with it. We aren’t here for all that long, and you may as well gather your experiences while you can, provided you are safe and stay within whatever limits you have outlined for yourself.

As for seeing hookers, my advice is simple. Be safe, safe, safe, safe! And don’t get caught. If you are looking to do away with feeling apprehensive, don’t bother. Apprehension is basically a mild form of fear, and for many, it’s the fear that makes such choices alluring and hot. For some, it’s not the sex with a hooker that is a turn-on but the fact that it’s dangerous, illegal, and socially frowned upon. Personally, I am all for the idea of legalizing prostitution. I believe if it were legalized, the rate of crimes against women would dramatically drop. I also think that the women in this line of work deserve the benefits of dental and medical insurance, probably more so than the average office worker.

Q:
How do you talk to someone who isn’t meeting your needs in a relationship without hurting her feelings or putting her on the defensive in any way?

A:
Depends on what needs you’re speaking of. If the needs are of a sexual nature, there are a couple of ways you can go. Instead of asking, “Why don’t you ever do such and such?” try suggesting it as a joint project, as in, “Wouldn’t it be fun if we tried such and such?” It’s a little manipulative perhaps, but it could save you from an uncomfortable situation where your partner feels less than worthy.

If your needs are of an emotional nature, sometimes being an example of what you want is a great way to show someone the areas in which they are lacking. However, at the end of the day, a conversation is the best way to communicate your needs. If your fear of that conversation is keeping you from having it, you may want to look at why you can’t even meet your own needs. If you can’t take care of yourself and say what you want, how can someone else do it?

Q:
I just started hanging out with a seriously hot rocker girl. She’s made it clear that if we go on a date she won’t sleep with me. She isn’t saying she won’t go out with me, just that she won’t sleep with me. What does that even mean? Is she trying to discourage me or trying to seem like marriage material? How do you deal with a preemptive cold shoulder?

A:
Well, I suppose she’s saying that she is not someone to easily give up the sex, if that’s all you’re after. She’s more or less interested in seeing what happens. My advice, should you go on the date, is to just play it cool and not even think about sex. If it’s meant to happen, it will. Look at it this way: You’re already not sleeping with her. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll still be not sleeping with her.

For me, sex wouldn’t be the issue here. I don’t like conditions set prior to a date. If I’m truly interested in the person, however, I don’t really care. You may be making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I mean, how long does a “date” really last? A couple of hours? Surely you can make it through a couple of hours, be respectful of her wishes, and not cross a boundary.

Q:
I have been dating my boyfriend for five months now. We’re exclusive and it’s getting serious. Before we met, he had signed up on a few dating sites, met women on these sites (not me), and went on a few dates. No big deal, right? This is 2011. Well, I recently discovered that not only is he still a member at two of these sites, but he logs on to them regularly. When I confronted him, he said it’s no big deal; he doesn’t talk to anyone on them. I am a very trusting and nonjealous person, and I have no issue with him keeping the sites (for now). What I do take issue with is that he logs on to them every day. I can understand that every few weeks, if you’re online and bored, you would log on. But his behavior makes me worry that he is keeping his options open and not totally committed to us. What do you think? I need a guy’s advice. Is this no big deal? Is it all in good fun? If the tables were turned, would you feel strange about your girlfriend keeping a profile on dating sites?

A:
It’s the old “online takeout menu” issue. Look, what is acceptable to one person is not always acceptable to another, and I have no idea what you’re willing to overlook. Devil’s advocate time: I have a number of sites that I look at on a daily basis, merely out of habit. I wake up, have some coffee, and look through various music sites, humor blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and the like. Even if I’m not that interested, I’ll browse through them all anyway. Granted, none of these are dating sites and I don’t have a girlfriend. Regardless, maybe it’s all just habit with him. Maybe he’s just looking for outside validation without the intention of following through. I have to speculate because I have no idea. The real question is: What is acceptable for you? If you are wishy washy about your own boundaries, how can you expect someone else to know what they are? Perhaps this isn’t about him, but about you and your ability to speak up and take charge of what you want. He is who he is and you chose him. Now you have to learn to navigate through this relationship as an adult.

Q:
During sex, my husband often mentions wanting to watch me have sex with another guy—or two guys. We have never had an open marriage and have never brought other partners into our bed. I have to admit that the idea of another man intrigues me, but I would not want my husband to be with another woman. (I know. But I’m just being honest.) I keep asking him if he’s sure he would not be jealous and it would not affect our marriage, and he keeps assuring me that he would be okay with it. Am I asking for trouble if I agree?

A:
I’ll tell you a cautionary tale that a friend of mine once shared. He was really interested in seeing his girl with another man. He asked and asked and asked her to sleep with a friend of his while he watched. One night, after a few drinks, she caved in and agreed. My friend watched as his girl had relations with another guy. While in the midst of watching, he realized that not only did it bother him, he was sickened and disgusted. He couldn’t handle it. When the whole thing was over, she went back to my friend and expected a warm reception. He said, “That was a test and you failed,” and broke up with her immediately.

I’m not saying that this will happen to you. My point is that sometimes our fantasies are larger than we think our feelings will be. Be careful.